Twelve days of Akatsuki
by RagdollStuffy
Summary: How would the song play out in real life? Lets find out, shall we? Please read and reveiw. Rated K for ... well.. read and find out . CHAP 7 UP
1. Dead Bird

**Title :** Twelve days of Akatsuki

**Disclaimer :** Standard disclaimer applies. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters in this chapter :** Itachi, Kisame, and Diedara

**Rating :** This chapter is G rated.

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**The first day of Chirstmas, Akatsuki Hideout.

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Itachi stood in the enterance way to the hideout, looked outside and watched Kisame do something with a small, crooked tree and a shovel. Kisame finished what he was doing, brushed all the loose dirt off his hands, and headed back inside. "What did you just plant?" Itachi asked with a voice void of all emotion.

"A tree."

"What type?"

"A fruit tree."

"Hn." Itachi turned around and headed towards his room.

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**Some time later**

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'knock knock' 

"Hn?"

"Itachi, dinner is ready," Kisame mumbled from the other side of the door.

"Hn." Itachi put down his angst diary and left his room in search of food. Even evil villains need to eat.

As he approached the dinning room, wonderful smells began to attack him, and his stomach decided to rumble loudly in anticipaction of the meal. But then he remembered that it was Deidara's turn to cook. Even if it smelled like it came from heaven, it tasted like crap.

Itachi walked into the room and sat in his depressingly black chair, grabbed his depressingly black goblet, and filled it with what looked like depressingly black wine.

Kisame could've sworn that a depressingly black cloud had followed Itachi into the room. More precisely, every where he went.

Itachi looked at Deidara with a depressingly netural expresion. "What have you made today?"

"You'll like this, yeah. It's a partridge I killed and a pear from the tree Kisame planted, yeah."

"Hn."

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End of the first day **

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_A/N_

_Short? Sweet? To the point? Like it? Hate it? Find it depressingly boring?_

_I'm sorry, I tried so hard to make this a normal fiction, but I found that I have the hardest time writting them. I seem to only be able to write humor. But every one needs laughs now and then... right? More days to come ._


	2. My dove

**Title :** Twelve days of Akatsuki 

**Disclaimer :** Standard disclaimer applies. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters in this chapter :** Itachi, Sakura, Rock Lee, and Naruto

**Rating :** This chapter is rated for mature kids or teens and up for some violence, senseless of course.

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**The Second Day of Christmas, Akatsuki Hideout**

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Itachi had been sick all night, though he made sure no one knew about it. He was sure it was the either the partridge, or the unripe pear from the tree. No one else seemed effected by it, so it was best that he not show anything as weak as a mere reaction to undercooked food. After hours of listening to the building grow older, and looking at the same spot of paint on his ceiling, he decided to go outside and take a small walk. Putting on his sandals and Atakski cloak, he made his way to the out doors.

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**Outside in the Depressingly Fresh Air**

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He had walked for a good two miles until he came across a medium sized creek, only about ten feet wide and knee deep. Itachi just stood there and glared and the water, almost willing it to stop moving. Suddenly he sensed a group of people coming from the otherside of the creek. Concealing his chakra completely he leaped into the trees and watched quietly.

"--- the hell was that for Sakura?!"

"For being such an idiot." Inner Sakura was just ticked off, and Naruto forgetting the honorific title at the end of her name gave her reason enough to lash out.

"Sakura-chan, your springtime youthfulness overflows, even in this cold winter, will you go out with me?" Lee asked, kneeling on one knee.

"Hell no," Sakura punched Naruto in the stomach and walked over to the stream to get a drink.

"Sa-ku-ra," Naruto gasped rubbing his stomach, "Why did you do that?"

"..."

"I'll be quiet now," Naruto mumbled and sat down to take a rest and rub his injured stomach.

All of a sudden Sakura gasped, then screamed, pointing at the creek. "There's a lady in the water!"

"What?"

"There's something in the water. It looked red."

Itachi realized that she must have seen his Sharingan, so he jumped to the other side of the river.

Lee looked over and chuckled, "It's only two turtles, my dove."

Sakura glared daggers at him and her fist shot out to her left, hitting a still sitting Naruto right in the head, knocking him unconsious. "Wow, I feel much better now," Sakura commented as she headed back to Konoha, completely forgetting about the mission she was on.

Lee looked at Naruto, then the receding Sakura. In a split second he made his choice. "Saakkkuuurraaa, wait up my love!" He dashed after her, leaving Naruto slumped over on the ground, out like a broken christmas tree light.

"Perfect." Itachi leaped down, grabbed Naruto in his arms, and ran full speed back to the hideout.

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**End of the Second Day**

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_I'm so evil, so evil that I will update tomorrow. Review if you could please 6.6_


	3. Leftovers

**Title :** Twelve days of Akatsuki

**Disclaimer :** Standard disclaimer applies. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters in this chapter :** Itachi and Naruto

**Rating :** This chapter is rated for good for everybody, I think.

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**The third day of Christmas, Akatski Hideout**

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Naruto slowly opened his eyes, and became aware of his suroundings, as well as a pounding headache that made him wish he was unconsious again. He began to realized that the reason he couldn't rub his throbbing head was that he was unable to move his arms.

"What the hell?" His body was tied from his shoulders to his waist, makeing it immpossible to form any hand seals. His legs from his knees to his ankles were also tied. He struggle for a little bit, and finally made it to a sitting position. "What happened?" Naruto mumble to himself, "The last thing I remember was Lee talking to Sakura and she got mad." Naruto's eyes brightened with realization. "She got so fed up with me that she knocked me out, dragged me to a deserted building, tied me up and left me for dead." Naruto looked down at his stomach as it began to rumble quite loudly. "I'm going to die from hunger," he lamented rather loudly. Loudly enough to awaken the entire house of Akatski members. "OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE WITHOUT RAMEN!!!" He yelled as he started to panic, struggling against the ropes. He used as much energy as he possibley could and hopped up to an upright position. '_Food, I have to find food!!.'_ Naruto's panicked thoughts ran through his head over and over like a broken record. He hopped over to the door and banged on it a few times before falling on his face and trying again. Then second time failed, but the third finally succeded. "FOOD! RAMEN!"

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Itachi had woken up from his depressing dream to hear someone scream about dieing from lack of ramen. His thoughts cleared and he remembered who he had captured the other day. Although captured might not have been the right word. It was more like he rescued Naruto from the angry bitch and the fashion mistake on legs. He rose and donned his cloak. Stepping out of his room, he walked towards the room in which he had been keeping Naruto. When he finally got there, something was out of place. The door. It had been blown of it's hinges and trampled, breaking it into small, tiny shards. A small voice of panic raced through Itachi's mind before he mentally killed it. Itachi followed the trail of wood carnage till it lead to the kitchen. He heard some loud banging, then remembered that, stupid as Naruto was, he was still a Ninja, so he was probably in there looking for some sort of sharp object to cut the ropes that held him. Itachi entered the kitchen and stopped with something near to shock appearing on his face. 

Naruto had opened the fridge with his teeth and was looking through the leftovers. "Leftover partridge, a pear, some roasted turtles and two dove bars. Ewww, what the hell is this? Three fried french hens?"

"What do you think you are doing?" Itachi asked coldly.

"Search for food, baka," Naruto replied absentmindly

Itachi stepped forward, grabbed Naruto by the collar, and stared into his eyes. "Just who are you calling baka?"

As the clock struck midnight, Itachi's sharingan eyes changed to Mangekou and swirled slowly.

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**End of the third day**

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_What an eye sore, this cliffhanger is. Read and review please! I'm hopeing to write and upload three more chapters today!_


	4. They're Chicks

**Title :** Twelve days of Akatsuki 

**Disclaimer : **Standard disclaimer applies. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters in this chapter :** Itachi, Kisame, Tobi, Zestu, and Diedara

**Rating :** This chapter is PG rated for Alcohol comsupmtion.**

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**The Fourth Day of Christmas, Nearby Tavern**

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Itachi had preformed a Mangekou genjustu on Naruto which left him in a dream like state, eating ramen to his hearts content. Itachi then unceremoniously dumped Naruto in a cell with Chakra enhanced bars. Speaking of bars, that's where Itachi was. He, or rather the five member of Atkatski, where waiting for the remaining members and Leader to come for the demon extracting ceremony of the Kyuubi. What better way to spend your time then to drown your depressing thoughts in sake? Well, in Kisame's opinion anyway.

Kisame, up to this point, was throughly liquored up, and shot at anything that moved, until he had gotten bored and resumed drinking and telling semi-dirty jokes.

Diedara, Tobi, and Zestu were all drinking warm sake, but currently not as drunk as Kisame. Itachi just pulled his depressingly black goblet from somewhere in the folds of his cloak, and a bottle of his depressingly dark wine and began to drink.

After quite a few cups, everyone but Itachi was hammered. Kisame and the other three had taken up an unspoken game. They began whistling and hooting at anyone (female) walking past them. Finally Itachi spoke up. "What are you four doing? Calling birds?"

"Not birdz Itaashi, chickz." Kisame slurred.

"Hn." Itachi turned back to his wine drinking.

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End of Day Four

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**_How are you likeing it so far? Good I hope. Please review, and thanks for the 50 hits . Thank you EcoliandDahChihuahua_  
for the review . 


	5. Sake Time

**Title :** Twelve days of Akatsuki 

**Disclaimer :** Standard disclaimer applies. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters in this chapter :** Tsunade, Gai, Neji, TenTen, Lee, and Sakura

**Rating :** This chapter is PG rated for a small swear at the end. No.. don't scroll down to look at it... read the chapter first.

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**The fifth day of Christmas, Hokage Office**

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"Explain to me what happened one more time," Tsunade asked coldly as she tried to stay calm. What she really wanted to do was chuck the eye sore called Lee out of the window, kick Sakura out the door, and start drinking from the stash of Sake that Shizune had not yet found. "Hopefully," She mumbled under her breath.

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Sakura and Lee had finally made it back to Konoha after a day's journey, and when Naruto had not returned with them, Tsunade forgot about the uncompleted mission. She had dragged them into her office and wouldn't dismiss them until she found out exactly what happened. Sakura had already told the story twice now, but Tsunade's thoughts had been so unorganized that she couldn't concentrate.

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Sakura cleared her throat and started again. She knew that she could dilute the truth because Lee was hopelessly in love with her, so he would not deny her version as being the truth. "We had been walking since morning and we came upon a stream. I went to get a small drink of water when I saw what looked like two red eyes reflecting off the stream. I believe that at that time, a genjustu had been cast upon us because Lee walked over and pointed out that it was just two turtles. We then felt as though we should hurry and depart in order to finish our mission. Instead of heading to our destination as I had believed, we had been walking back to Konoha. The genjustu was dispelled right as we passed the gates. That is when Lee and I realized that Naruto was missing." 

"Right, that settles it then," Tsunade banged her fist on her desk and the door opened. In walked Gai, Neji, and TenTen.

"Hokage, you look as though you will always be in your springtime of youth!" Gai said as he flashed her one of his eye blinding, toothy Nice Guy grins.

"Naruto has been captured by the Akatsuki, or more precisely, Uchiha Itachi." She rummaged through her desk as she continued to talk. "It will be your mission to retrieve him, at any cost." She pulled out a small box from a concealed compartment in the desk. "Gai, Neji, TenTen, Lee, and Sakura will more then likely need these to retrieve him." Tsunade opened the case, "Because this is an S-class mission, it will be dangerous. These Five Golden Rings are charka laden. If you all rub the rings and repeat what is written on these cards, then both Jiraiya and I will appear to help you. These rings are like a temporary summons justu. But be warned, once you use it, it will drain half of whatever chakra you still have remaining. Use these rings only as a last resort." They turned to leave but she stopped them, warning them once more. "Never, under any circumstances, use this justu without chakra." The group of shinobi nodded in understanding and left.

"Finally," Tsunade sighed, "Sake time."

Some time later that day, near midnight, Tsunade woke up and looked at her stash of sake. There, nestled in between two bottles wedged in the far back, was a small rectangular box. "Shit, I gave them the wrong summoning rings." She slumped over, unconscious once more.

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**End of the fifth day**

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_How are you liking it so far? Please review. Merry Christmas 2Stupid. Thank you all for the 150 hits._


	6. It's cooooold

**Title :** Twelve days of Akatsuki 

**Disclaimer :** Standard disclaimer applies. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters in this chapter :** Itachi, Kisame, and Naruto

**Rating :** This chapter is PG rated.**

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**The Sixth Day of Christmas, Somewhere in the Country**

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"It's cold. Why the hell are we traveling in this weather?!" Naruto complained as he was half dragged through the snow.

"Gaki, we are traveling because Kazuku informed us that a rescue team knew where you where and were coming to rescue you." Kisame told him in the hopes that it would shut Naruto up. It worked, miracles can happen, but only for a little while.

"Who is Kazuku?"

--Silence--

"I'm hungry!"

--Glare-- (Itachi)

"What'll happen if I starve to death?!"

--Grin-- (Kisame)

This group continued on for a little while until both Itachi and Kisame began to feel chilly. They suposed that if they were starting to get cold, Naruto would be frozen. Itachi spotted a small sign for a farm up ahead.

"We'll sleep in the barn tonight."

Kisame nodded and hoisted the stiff, shivering Naruto over his shoulder.

"Wh-a-a-t d-d-o y-ou m-e-ean, o-o-ut of r-r-r-am-e-e-n?!" Naruto said raspily through chattering teeth, obviously delirious.

Itachi pushed the door open to the Five Rings Barn, batted a couple of turtle doves out of his hair, and nearly stepped on a wounded partrigde and a rotten pear. Kisame dumped Naruto in between half of the six geese laying down for the night, and kill three french hens for dinner. Itachi looked at the unconsious shivering Naruto, pulled his cloak off, then dumped it on Naruto. The leader wouldn't like it if the container died from something as stupid as pnemonia.

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End of day six

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_How do you like it? Review please Merry Christmas to you all. Thanks for the 250 hits. I know this chapter isn't funny... but just wait. I have a very funny chapter coming up soon _


	7. Clone Time

**Title:** Twelve Days of Akatsuki

**Disclaimer:** Standard Disclaimer. I get nothing at all for writting this, except a few laughs. I'd like to see you try and sue me for those..

**Characters: **Gai, Sakura, Lee, Neji, TenTen

**Rating: **This chapter is G rated.

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The Seventh day of Christmas, Countryside**

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Gai and the his temporary team travel into the country where Naruto was last "really" seen by Sakura.

"Sakura-chan, will you please go out with me?"

Sakura glared at Lee and shoved Neji into a tree, Neji just dissappeared in a poof of smoke to be replace by another one.

"Why are you using bushin's?" TenTen wispered to Neji.

"Because I knew she was going to do that. Whenever she talks to leave, or rather when Lee talks to her, then she seems to absentmindly hit the nearest person next to her. But for some reason she does not hit Lee. I think that is because, deep down, Sakura loves, or likes, Lee."

"For pete's sake, will you just stop over anaylzing people!?!" TenTen screeched in his ear. Neji dissappeared in a poof of smoke and was replaced with another that was walking unnoticed with Gai. "How many of these do you have!" TenTen yelled as another Neji took the place of the one that left Gai's side.

"Enough to ensure that I do not get injured or damage my hair." The Neji clone next to her replied.

"Narcisitic," she mumbled.

"More then likely." Clone Neji replied.

They continued to walk in silence as Sakura kept bashing the Neji clones. One ran into a wall of spike that was carelessly set up in the forest. One fell into a pit of snakes. One got squished under a 60 ton wait that had "Akatsuki was here!" spray painted in red, TenTen still couldn't figure out how Sakura made that fall on Neji, but Neji believe it was a trap set up by strangers. Another one got pushed into an acid lake where seven mutant swans were swimming, and yet another one just spontaniously blew up after Sakura accidently moved a hair out of place.

"Ah-Hah! I have found the youthfull springtime tracks of Naruto," insert Nice Guy Pose. "We will find him quite soon Sakura-chan."

"I will be the one to rescue him Sakura-chan, if only to prove my love to you," insert Lee nice guy pose here.

--Glare--(Sakura)

--poof-- (Neji Clone dying)

"They lead to the Five Ring Barn!! Let our youthfulness carry us to the barn before sunset!!" Gai starts off jogging with Lee close behind. Sakura growls something about a baka, Neji and TenTen sweatdrop before running after the three.

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End of the Seventh day

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_Trust me, it will get funnier. I'm saving the best for near last _

_Review if you liked it_


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